Finding my old Bible, which I had misplaced some time ago, brought back memories about things said and the people who said them.  I made notations in the margins about things that cross my mind.  I’ve also included some funny lines as well. 

Pastor in Missouri:  A Boloney stick sliced into many pieces, doesn’t matter which slice you get, it’s still boloney.  Life is not a parking lot, it’s a highway.  A preacher should not use much runway to get off the ground.     

     Teacher in Springfield, MO:  The BIBLE contains 66 Chapters, 1,189 chapters and 81,113 words.  The authors were inspired and every word recorded is true and without error.  We can depend on on its truthfulness in all matters, especially His purpose as expressed in John 3:16.     

     My favorite verse:  Grieve not the Holy Spirit whereby ye are sealed until the day of redemption.  Eph 4:30.

     Gary Muse saved 02/12/1989

     A Pastor of a Hispanic church in Rio Grand Valley, Texas, 1997 spoke on the Garden Of Success.  (part of sermon was in Spanish and part in English.  Here is the part I understood.

Plant 5 rows of Lettuce:  lettuce be faithful, lettuce us be loyal, lettuce be truthful, lettuce be unselfish, lettuce us love each other

Plant 3 rows of squash.  squash gossip, squash criticism, squash indifference.

Plant 4 rows of peas:  politeness, prayer, promptness, perserverance,  

Plant ? rows of turnips:  turnip with a smile…… ??  Great sermon, many went forward.  

     A Sunday School Teacher :  How many agnotics does it take to change a light bulb?  I don’t know until  I see for myself. 

     How many atheists?  Atheists leave the light bulb burnt out as they prefer to dwell in the darkness.

     How many Presbyterians?  None.  Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

     How many Baptists?  At least 15.  One to change the light bulb and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

     How many Amish?  What’s a light bulb?

     Pastor stepped to the mike and said, “Can you hear me in the back?  reply:  yes, but I wouldn’t mind changing seats with someone who can’t.”

     Teaching a lesson on importance of  bring patient with your spouse, a Sunday School teacher used the following quip to make a point:  “Patience is a virtue… catch it if you can…seldom found in women….(long pause)…. .  At the pause the women gasped and the men chuckled. Then the tables were turned when the teacher finished the quip…. “never found in men”.

THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH

  • Hey! It’s MY turn to sit on the front pew!
  • I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went over time 25 minutes.
  • I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
  • Forget the denominational minimum salary: let’s pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
  • I love it when we sing hymns I’ve never heard before!